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I'm sure you've all heard this... but I still think it's funny.
=20
-airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety=20
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real=20
examples that have been heard or reported:=20
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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the=20
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and=20
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to=20
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."=20
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*****************************=20
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish=20
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."=20
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**************************************************=20
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your=20
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's=20
something we'd like to have."=20
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*******************************=20
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane."=20
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."=20
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone=20
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" =20
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********************************=20
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a=20
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,=20
sure as hell everything has shifted."=20
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**********************************=20
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>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the me! tal tab into the=20
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,=20
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in=20
public unsupervised."=20
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***************************=20
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend=20
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your=20
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask=20
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one=20
small child, pick your favorite." =20
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*****************************=20
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but=20
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,=20
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."=20
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*********************************=20
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an=20
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our=20
compliments."=20
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***********************=20
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.=20
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight=20
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."=20
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****************************************=20
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is=20
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.=20
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"=20
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********************************************=20
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake=20
City, the Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was=20
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you=20
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't=20
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."=20
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********************************************=20
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a=20
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
wa! s really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the=20
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.=20
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the=20
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"=20
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**************************************************=20
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We=20
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the=20
terminal." =20
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered=20
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which=20
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers=20
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said=20
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the=20
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking=20
with a cane.=20
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She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am,"=20
said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or
were we shot down?"=20
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*******************************************************=20
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the=20
horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.=20
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt=20
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning=20
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way=20
through the wreckage to the terminal."=20
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************************************************************=20
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank=20
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the=20
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal=20
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."=20
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******************************************! ******** *********=20
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a=20
comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome=20
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather=20
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful=20
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"=20
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Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the=20
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you=20
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally=20
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my=20
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"=20
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