Ted Lemon wrote: > This brings me to the other point, which is why I have a history of being a > flamer. The reason goes back to my childhood, and there’s no real point in > digging into that here, but as a result of the context in which I grew up, I > learned to assume that pretty much anything anyone ever said to me was an > attack. As a result, to this day I have a tendency to hear perfectly > reasonable statements as attacks. I have to consciously stop and think before > I respond, because if I don’t, my knee jerk reaction is often to attack back. > What helps me to avoid getting into this mode is developing relationships. > A person with whom I have a relationship is less likely to trigger this > behavior. Even waiting fifteen minutes before pressing “send” doesn’t > really help with this, because I usually feel justified in my responses. What > helps is getting past feeling that the person I’m talking to is an adversary. Relationship development is more difficult for remote participants. But not impossible. Offlist contact may help. (Or not, as some recent interactions I've seen on various lists have shown.) > I apologize for saying something so touchy-feely, because I know not > everybody is comfortable with communication of this type, but the reason I’m > saying this is that I think this is a really important problem for the IETF. > If we want to be a place where people feel welcomed, we have to prioritize > developing actual relationships with people, where we come to see our friends > in the IETF as actual friends, and don’t just come here trying to get our > technical needs met. Touchy-feely or not, it's impostant to note that not only do we participate as individuals, we *are* individials who bring our own backgrounds and experiences to the party. And indvidual differences trump cultural assumptions. Just because someone appears to be associated with a particular culture, or even says outright that they are, doesn't mean it's a good idea to make assumptions in that regard. Ned
