Ted, (I guess I should start with "This is not an attack" :o) What you have said is only somewhat true. If you substitute for "flaming" something like "touching inappropriately" or "punching" then you can see how it is not the receiver who is always to blame. Of course, you also have some very good points that I encourage readers to think about. A -----Original Message----- From: ietf <ietf-bounces@xxxxxxxx> On Behalf Of Ted Lemon Sent: 28 March 2019 10:21 To: Matthew A. Miller <linuxwolf+ietf@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> Cc: John C Klensin <john-ietf@xxxxxxx>; Lloyd Wood <lloyd.wood@xxxxxxxxxxx>; Keith Moore <moore@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>; ietf@xxxxxxxx Subject: Re: cultural sensitivity towards new comers I have quite a bit of experience with flaming and being flamed, both intentionally and unintentionally, and I would like to point out that in fact it is not what you say—it is how you hear what is said to you. I know this because, having a history of being a flamer, without actually wanting that history, I spent quite a bit of time trying to find ways to say things that did not provoke people, before ultimately realizing that if the person I’m talking to is inclined to be provoked, there is literally nothing I can do to prevent them from taking anything that I say as provoking. What I have found does work is to provide as little chaff as possible: don’t say anything other than something that is explicitly related to the point you want to get across. No comments about how the other person is communicating. No breaking the fourth wall. Just talk about the topic. This is a difficult discipline—when we communicate, we almost always have more than one agenda, and it’s difficult at first to notice what is related to making progress in the discussion, and what is, for example, related to wanting to feel heard. This brings me to the other point, which is why I have a history of being a flamer. The reason goes back to my childhood, and there’s no real point in digging into that here, but as a result of the context in which I grew up, I learned to assume that pretty much anything anyone ever said to me was an attack. As a result, to this day I have a tendency to hear perfectly reasonable statements as attacks. I have to consciously stop and think before I respond, because if I don’t, my knee jerk reaction is often to attack back. What helps me to avoid getting into this mode is developing relationships. A person with whom I have a relationship is less likely to trigger this behavior. Even waiting fifteen minutes before pressing “send” doesn’t really help with this, because I usually feel justified in my responses. What helps is getting past feeling that the person I’m talking to is an adversary. I apologize for saying something so touchy-feely, because I know not everybody is comfortable with communication of this type, but the reason I’m saying this is that I think this is a really important problem for the IETF. If we want to be a place where people feel welcomed, we have to prioritize developing actual relationships with people, where we come to see our friends in the IETF as actual friends, and don’t just come here trying to get our technical needs met.
