Hi Peter, Many thanks for the review. I will incorporate your comments in the next update. I reply the comments inline for your further check. 2014-10-15 14:53 GMT+08:00, Peter Yee <peter@xxxxxxxxxx>: > I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on > Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at > <http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq> > > Please wait for direction from your document shepherd or AD before posting > a > new version of the draft. > > Document: draft-ietf-v6ops-ipv6-roaming-analysis-06 > Reviewer: Peter Yee > Review Date: October-14-2014 > IETF LC End Date: September-29-2014 > IESG Telechat date: October-16-2014 > > Summary: This draft is ready with issues for publication as an > Informational > RFC. [Ready with issues] > > This draft discusses some of the issues that may occur when a mobile device > roams on a visited network and attempts to use IPv6. The technical meat of > the draft is fine, but the language usage makes it difficult to read > through > without extra effort and reflection. I'm not a 3GPP expert by any stretch > of the imagination, so I can't tell if the analysis made is sufficiently > comprehensive, but it appears to cover all of the IPv4/IPv6 combinations > and > home/local breakout uses cases. > > The following corrections appeared in my -05 review and have not been > addressed. I have not updated the page numbers to match any border cases > that might have moved one way or another, but the section numbers should be > correct. > > Minor issues: > > General: > > There are a lot of definite (the) and indefinite articles (a/an) missing in > the draft. This makes it really difficult to read and interpret what is > meant. In some cases, the plural form would also make sense, so it's hard > to know how to interpret the sentence. I hate to say it, but please look > carefully at pretty much any acronym/initialism and the common nouns. Make > a determination if an article is appropriate. I started to mark these > items > in the document while doing my review but became bogged down by the sheer > number of missing and in a few cases superfluous articles. I do understand > that English may not be a primary language for several of the authors and > appreciate your indulgence in trying to make the document more readable and > therefore more useful. > > > Nits: > > General: > > Separate references from the preceding text with a space, again for > readability. > > I'll leave the Oxford/Harvard/serial comma alone for this review -- the > first general nit will take enough time to straighten out! > > Specific: > > Page 3, 4th bullet item, 2nd sentence: omit the commas. Ack > Page 10, Section 4.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: I don't think the word > risky is what you mean. More like guaranteed, right? I guess "risky" is intended to say. If the home operator performs roaming steering targeted to an operator that doesn't allow IPv6, IPv6-only visitors couldn't be guaranteed to get the IPv6 address. > Page 12, Section 5.2, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: change "to" to "on". Ack > Page 12, Section 5.2, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "the" before > "local". Ack > Page 12, Section 5.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: delete "the" before > "local". (This correction was misapplied to paragraph 3 in the -06 draft, > so I'm fixing it with the previous nit and leaving this one in place.) Ack > Page 14, Section 7, 2nd paragraph, 4th sentence: I'm simply having troubles > parsing this sentence. Please rewrite for clarity. (Sorry, this one is > still an issue.) The 3rd paragraph in Section 3 has detailed analysis on the issue. I rewrite the sentence as below. Please kindly check if the sentence is acceptable. ==OLD Text== That PDP/PDN type is supported in new-built EPS network, but isn't supported well in the third generation network. The situations may cause the roaming issues of declining the attach request of dual-stack subscribers. ==NEW Text== That PDP/PDN type is supported in new-built EPS network, but isn't supported well in the third generation network. Visited SGSNs may discard the subscriber's attach requests because the SGSN is unable to correctly process PDP/PDN type IPv4v6. > Page 15, 2nd bullet item, 2nd sentence: insert "a" before "AAA". Ack BRs Gang >