LETTER FROM A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT TO HIS PEERS:=20
Here is a home study simulator course for those who still hunger for the =
romance and adventure of airline flying. It will all come back to you if =
you practice the following at home:=20
1. Stay out of bed all night.=20
2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or =
ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck. Add =
one or two more chairs for other crewmembers that you may or may not =
know. Wear an earpiece tuned to channel 19 on a CB radio.
3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight =
but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. Make =
sure that the volume is just enough that it makes communication in the =
closet difficult. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart =
checklist.=20
4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a =
bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three =
hours, simulating an eastbound flight into the sunrise.=20
5. Have bland overcooked food served on a lap tray midway through =
the night.
6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your =
spouse to slam the door frequently.=20
7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to =
stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring =
your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to =
wear your hat.=20
8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on =
your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, =
simulating the wait for the crew car.=20
9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. =
Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the =
wait you'd have while the maid makes up the hotel room.=20
10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been =
doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic =
places" and collapse into bed.=20
11. If you are a purist, do this two nights in a row.=20