Profile / Debug w/o server modification?

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Are there any "magic functions" like __sleep and __wakeup that get called upon entry and exit of user functions or user object methods?

Something like
__hookEntry For User Functions
__hookExit For User Functions
__hookOoEntry For User Object Methods
__hookOoExit For User Object Methods

Basically I want a profiler like xdebug, but I know my admin is going to cringe since it involves adjusting the server settings.

Also, I don't want it "always on".  I want it only to profile when I say.
http://php.net/apd seems to say it will only be in use when I use "apd_set_pprof_trace".

Is "xdebug.default_enable" able to be set with ini_set per script? This site http://www.phpdeveloper.org/news/7780 made me think it will be always on, "Debugging Without doing anything you'll see the benefits of Xdebug when messages are outputted to your browser." but maybe that's just because xdebug.default_enable is On by default.

But xdebug and apd are probably moot.

BTW, I'm not using separate development and production machines.

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