RE: Gen-ART review of draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-05

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Dear Peter,

Many thanks for the review. 

A new version with your suggested changes is now online. See the diff available here: http://www.ietf.org/rfcdiff?url2=draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-06.

This version includes also the comments raised by SM here: http://www.ietf.org/mail-archive/web/ietf/current/msg77273.html.

Cheers,
Med 

>-----Message d'origine-----
>De : Peter Yee [mailto:peter@xxxxxxxxxx] 
>Envoyé : samedi 9 mars 2013 09:14
>À : draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis.all@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>Cc : ietf@xxxxxxxx; gen-art@xxxxxxxx
>Objet : Gen-ART review of draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-05
>
>I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on
>Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at
><http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>
>
>Document: draft-ietf-intarea-nat-reveal-analysis-05
>Reviewer: Peter Yee
>Review Date: Mar-08-2013
>IETF LC End Date: Mar-08-2013
>IESG Telechat date: TBD
>
>Summary: This draft is on the right track but has open issues, 
>described in
>      the review. [Ready with issues.]
>
>This draft catalogs and analyzes various means of supplying a host
>identifier to a
>
>remote server when Carrier Grade NAT or similar host obscuring 
>technology
>is in use.
>
>General: There were sentences in the draft that I could not 
>parse even in
>the context
>of surrounding text.  That's primarily why I'm marking this draft as
>"Ready with
>issues".  These sentences are supplied below.  Mostly, the 
>document has a
>fair number
>of nits.  The general concept is fine.
>
>General: hyphenate uses of "address sharing" when it used as 
>an adjective.
> For
>example, "address-sharing device".
>
>General: expand acronyms on first use except if they are 
>really well known
>in
>our community (e.g., TCP/IP) or where they appear in the abstract.
>Examples of
>acronyms in need of expansion are HIP, XFF, Š.
>
>General: You will probably want to resolve Internet Draft references to
>something
>more permanent.
>
>General: The term "broken" should be replaced with something 
>more specific
>or useful.
>I've made some suggestions below.
>
>Section 1, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: delete "an" before 
>"information".
>
>Section 1, 3rd paragraph: change "are" to "include".
>
>Section 1, 3rd paragraph: change "customers unsatisfaction" to "and
>customers' dissatisfaction".
>
>Section 2, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete "an" before "extra".
>Change "than" to
>"beyond".
>
>Section 2, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: replace this sentence with "We
>call this
>information the HOST_ID."
>
>Section 2, 2nd paragraph: add a serial comma after 
>"subscriber".  Serial
>comma use in
>the draft was inconsistent.
>
>Section 2, 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: I'm not sure why the 
>HOST_ID and
>public IP address would be "relatively" unique.  Assuming that HOST_IDs
>are unique amongst
>the hosts hidden behind the public IP address and the public 
>IP address is
>unique,
>I would have thought that the combination was globally unique.  My
>confusion may arise
>from the 4th sentence which is incomplete.  Perhaps those two sentences
>could be
>rewritten for clarity.
>
>Section 2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change "put" to "conveyed".
>
>Section 2, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "put" to "conveyed".
>
>
>Section 3, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: considering using
>"identifiability" instead of
>"uniqueness".
>
>Section 3, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace "which" with "what".
>
>Section 3,1, 4th paragraph: add a comma after "re-write".  Change
>"re-write" to
>"rewrite".
>
>Section 3.1, 5th paragraph: I don't quite follow what's being 
>said here.
>Is the point that the address-sharing function should reveal the same
>HOST_ID for any given host
>regardless of what layer or mechanism that HOST_ID is being conveyed
>across?  How does
>this relate to interference between HOST_IDs?
>
>Section 4.1.1, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete "an" before
>"information".
>
>Section 4.1.1, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert ", there are" after
>"hence".
>
>Section 4.1.1, 4th paragraph, consider replacing with: "Address-sharing
>devices using
>this solution would be required to indicate that out of band, possibly
>using a special
>DNS record."
>
>Section 4.1.2, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: add a comma after 
>"scenario".
>Change "broken" to "ill-advised".
>
>Section 4.2.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: add "A " at the 
>beginning of
>the sentence.
>
>Section 4.2.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: rewrite as "This IP option
>allows the
>   conveyance of an IPv4 address, an IPv6 prefix, a GRE key, 
>an IPv6 Flow
>Label, etc."
>
>Section 4.2.1, 2nd paragraph: insert "an" before "IP".
>
>Section 4.2.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: change "for" to "to".
>
>Section 4.2.2, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: use of the term "filter" in
>this sentence
>is not clear.  Do you mean that that routes and middleboxes 
>remove the IP
>options?  Or
>that they remove packets with IP options?  Or that they take 
>other actions
>based on the
>presence of IP options?  Please clarify.
>
>Section 4.2.2, 2nd paragraph: replace "As a" with "In".  Define
>"host-hint" somewhere.
>Is it meant to be equivalent to HOST_ID?
>
>Section 4.3.1, 3rd sentence: change "their" to "its" both places in the
>sentence.
>Insert "or" before "subscriber".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "a" before "HOST_ID"
>
>Section 4.3.2, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "in host" to "on the
>host".  Insert
>"the" before "address", and add a comma after "function".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 1st bullet item: this is the IETF.  We don't need no
>stinkin' OSI! :-)
>
>Section 4.3.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: replace the sentence with
>"Moreover, an
>updated version of [I-D.wing-nat-reveal-option] no longer 
>allows conveyance
>of a full IP address as the HOST_ID is encoded in 16 bits."
>
>Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 1st sentence: delete the comma after
>"limited".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 4th sentence: delete the comma 
>after "ACK".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 2nd bullet item, 5th sentence: move "only" 
>before "allows".
> Change
>"to enclose" to "enclosing".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 3rd bullet item, 3rd sentence: the characterization of
>HOST_ID as
>leaked information seems pejorative.  And how is a "communication leg"
>defined?
>Is this a standard term for communications between a CGN and a remote
>server, or for
>other backbone-carried communications?
>
>Section 4.3.2, 4th bullet item, append a comma after "particular".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 5th bullet item, 1st sentence: replace "to" with "the".
>Change
>"preserve" to "preservation of".
>
>Section 4.3.2, 5th bullet item, 3rd sentence: change "to reveal" to
>"revealing".
>
>Section 4.4.1, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: move "not" before "to".
>Change "at" to
>"within".  Change "which" to "that".
>
>Section 4.4.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "This" to "The".
>Append "of the
>conveyed information" after "format".
>
>Section 4.4.1, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "their" to "its".
>
>Section 4.4.1, 3rd paragraph: insert "the" before "X-Forwarded-For".
>
>Section 4.4.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete "the" 
>before "address".
>
>Section 4.4.2, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: specify by whom 
>the initiative
>was launched.
>
>Section 4.4.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append "who are" after
>"Wikipedia".
>
>Section 4.4.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: would "transited" be more
>appropriate than
>"crossed"?  Insert "the" before "Forwarded".
>
>Section 4.4.2, 6th paragraph: change "implementation" to
>"implementations".  And that
>begs the question: implementations of what?  Delete "some" before
>"parsing".  Insert
>"an" before "XFF".
>
>Section 4.4.2, 7th paragraph: why is this "may be broken"?  Either the
>Forwarded header can be injected or it cannot.  Under 
>encryption, the only
>way I can see to insert the
>header is if the encrypted TLS session is passing through a
>man-in-the-middle proxy
>that is spoofing both of ends of the communication in order to 
>be able to
>transparently
>decrypt the traffic.
>
>Section 4.5.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: insert "The" 
>before '"PROXY"'.
>
>Section 4.5.2, 1st paragraph, last sentence: change "raise" to "arise".
>Append a
>comma after "firewalls".
>
>Section 4.5.2, 2nd paragraph: change "broken" to "infeasible".  Change
>"can not" to "cannot".
>
>Section 4.6.1, 3rd paragraph: replace "do" with "are".  Change 
>"require"
>to "required".
>
>Section 4.6.1, 4th paragraph: insert "an" before "option".
>
>Section 4.6.2, 3rd paragraph: move "also" before "offering".  I presume
>the "IP connectivity services" are those being offered to the 
>host being
>identified, but
>that should be made clear in the text since the sentence is vague as to
>which end
>of the conversation is being reference.
>
>Section 4.7.1: delete "an" before "identity".
>
>Section 4.7.2, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "having" after "is".
>
>Section 4.7.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete "ported to be".
>
>Section 4.8, title: insert "of" after "Use".
>
>Section 4.8.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace 
>"differentiating" with
>"host-identifying".
>
>Section 4.8.2, 1st bullet item: insert "The" before "Address" and then
>make "Address"
>lower case.  I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to tell 
>me, however.
>
>Section 4.8.2, 2nd bullet item: replace "an" with "that the".
>
>Section 4.8.2, 4th bullet item: delete "Some" before 
>"implementation" and
>then
>capitalize "implementations".  Delete "to" before "delay" and 
>append "of"
>after "delay".
>Change "receiving" to "receipt of".  Delete the comma after "Request".
>
>Section 4.8.2, 5th bullet item: delete "may" before "receive" and then
>change "receive"
>to "receives".
>
>Section 4.8.2, 8th bullet item: delete "a".
>
>Section 4.8.2, 9th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change the first "are" to
>"is".  Delete
>"to be".
>
>Section 4.9.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" 
>before "address".
> Append a
>comma after "IDENT".
>
>Section 4.9.1, 2nd paragraph, 4th sentence: change "16 bit" to 
>"16-bit".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "Alternatives" to
>"Alternative".
>Change "mechanism" to "mechanisms".  Change "design" to "designed".  I
>don't think you
>want the list of other transport mechanisms to include TCP since you've
>already said
>that IDENT is specific to TCP.
>
>Section 4.9.2, 3rd bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "that" before "the
>address".
>Insert "the" before "IDENT".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 4th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "This" to 
>"Such a".
>Change
>"deployable" to "feasible".  Delete "heavy and" unless you 
>want to explain
>what
>heavy means.
>
>Section 4.9.2, 5th bullet item: delete "Some" and capitalize
>"implementations". 
>Delete "to" before "delay" and append "of" after "delay".  Change
>"receiving" to
>"receipt of".  Delete the comma after "response".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 6th bullet item: delete "a".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 7th bullet item, 1st sentence: change "are" to "is".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 7th bullet item, 2nd sentence: change "even" to 
>"further".
>
>Section 4.9.2, 9th bullet item: change "non legitimate" to 
>"illegitimate".
>
>Section 5, 1st paragraph after the Table 1 caption: append a 
>comma after
>"[Options]".
>Insert ", and" before "ExtendTCP".
>
>Section 5, 2nd paragraph after the Table 1 caption: change "Address" to
>"address".
>
>Section 5, 3rd paragraph after the Table 1 caption: change "to 
>establish"
>to
>"for establishing".
>
>Section 5, 4th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 3rd 
>sentence: change
>"hold" to
>"delay".  Change "receiving" to "receipt of".
>
>Section 5, 4th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 4th 
>sentence: change
>"at" to "on".
>
>Section 5, 5th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 3rd 
>sentence: change
>"hold" to "delay".  Change "receiving"
>to "receipt of".  Insert "the" before "IDENT".
>
>Section 5, 5th paragraph after the Table 1 caption, 4th 
>sentence: change
>"at" to "on".
>Consider rewriting this sentence and the similar one in the previous
>paragraph for even
>greater clarity.
>
>Section 7, 3rd paragraph: insert "used" before "to convey".
>
>Section 8, 1st paragraph: append a comma after "Halpern".
>
>Section 8, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after "Wing".
>
>Section 8, 4th paragraph: change to "The privacy text was 
>provided by A.
>Cooper."
>
>
>



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