NYTimes.com Article: Op-Ed Columnist: Fly the Partisan Skies

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Op-Ed Columnist: Fly the Partisan Skies

April 6, 2004
 By DAVID BROOKS





The political divisions in this country being what they
are, it's not enough that liberals and conservatives have
different radio networks, different Web sites and different
networks of friends. In order to eliminate all possibility
of trans-partisan conversation, I really think it's time we
stopped flying together. It's time to set up two different
airlines: Liberal Air, with direct flights between Madison,
Berkeley, Ann Arbor and the New School for Social Research;
and Right Wing Express, which will have planes with no
oxygen masks in case of emergencies because anybody who
can't handle a little asphyxiation doesn't deserve to live.


The way I see it, every flight on Liberal Air (motto: Your
Grievances Are Our Grievances) will take off 45 minutes
late, or whenever people feel like leaving, with the
ensuing late arrivals blamed on Karl Rove.

The planes themselves will be designed by a really
interesting fuselage cooperative in Oregon. Seating will be
divided between coach class, working class (mostly
screenwriters in flannel shirts) and faculty.

The experience of flying on Liberal Air will be different
than flying on normal airlines, and the company will be
structured in different ways. For example, the frequent
flier program will reward customers the less they fly, just
to make things even. Airfares will be symbolic, since
everything is paid for by George Soros. Pilots, who look
disturbingly like Arlo Guthrie, will greet passengers at
the door of the plane to apologize for the oil they are
about to consume.

After the safety teach-in, mandated by the F.A.A. ("All
bike messenger bags must fit in the overhead rack . . . in
case of a water landing, your moral vanity may be used as a
personal flotation device . . ."), there will be an
inflight entertainment program, eliciting the complete
range of highly attractive liberal emotions: rage, anger,
disgust, contempt, pessimism, gloom and despair. For a full
hour, passengers will watch Michael Moore movies; then for
the next hour they will congratulate themselves for having
a nuanced view of reality.

In addition, pilots will provide a running travel
commentary over the P.A. system ("Ladies and gentlemen, if
you glance out of the left side of the aircraft, you'll be
able to look down on the people of Kansas"), and there will
be encounter sessions for Democrats who know in their heads
they had to go with Kerry but who now miss the excitement
of Dean.

Right Wing Express will have a different corporate culture.
>From the moment you walk into the airport ("Air traffic
controllers? We don't need no stinkin' air traffic
controllers!") you will know you are in for a different
experience. The special George Bush magnetometers will
check for firearms, just in case someone isn't packing, and
will also peer into the soul of each passenger (Good Heart
. . . Evildoer . . . Good Heart . . . Evildoer).

All passengers who pass through the membership committee
will be awarded their own "Mission Accomplished!" flight
suit. They will find the fares surprisingly affordable,
especially if they fly up front, because first-class fares
will have been drastically reduced in order to stimulate
economic growth and the first-class meals will be
especially lavish to give the hungry folks in coach an
extra incentive to work hard and reform their lives.

All Right Wing Express flights will leave exactly on time,
though for national security reasons the pilots will not
reveal the identity of the destination cities. The
Hummer-brand planes will have ample headroom for big-hair
ladies, dozens of pews with easy access to the putting
greens, and drop-down TV monitors, which will show
libido-crushing abstinence education videos. There will
also be ample bathroom facilities for heterosexuals of both
genders.

Right Wing Express flights will not only land at airports,
they will occupy airports. Passengers might sometimes find
the flight attendants a tad abrasive ("You want me on that
wall. You need me on that wall . . ."), but the cigarettes
will be free and plentiful, and each passenger will be
greeted with an appropriately conservative mantra, "Welcome
to Right Wing Express, how can I help you help yourself?"

The purpose of having ideologically segregated airlines is
obvious. For the past few years we have been happily hiving
ourselves off into self-congratulatory reinforcement
groups. None of us should be forced to fly with the lying,
cheating, vicious dirtballs who make up the other side.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/04/06/opinion/06BROO.html?ex=1082260075&ei=1&en=2e45842fac8b5d89


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