AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS WE’D ENJOY HEARING All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." On landing, the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1342 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be in public unsupervised!" Another pre-flight announcement contained this advice: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, a mask will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting the child with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child…pick your favorite." Heard on a Pan American Airlines just after a very hard landing in San Francisco Airport: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airlines fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…it was the asphalt!" A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking: Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!"