A little boy and his mother were taking his first commercial airplane ride. After boarding the plane, taking off and being at cruise altitude for some time, the puzzled boy looked at his mother and said, "so when do we get smaller?" While taxiing past aircraft stands, and noticing some passengers boarding the rear entrance of a Finnair DC9, the Captain remarked to the F/O: "Look at all those people disappearing into Finnair." More from our "be careful what you ask for" file: Pilot: "Good Morning Vienna Ground, could you give me a rough time check?" Ground: "Good Morning sir, today is Tuesday." More from our "It's all in your point of view" files... A pilot departing La Crosse, Wis., contacted Minneapolis center. After initial contact, the following transmission was heard: "Attention all aircraft on this frequency, this controller position will no longer be manned." Perplexed, the captain and first officer looked at each other with amazement. After 10 or 15 seconds another transmission, now in a woman's voice, said... "That was not funny." A pilot overheard this exchange between another pilot and a female controller at Miami Center: Cessna 1234: "Miami Center, this is Cessna 1234. Are you having radio problems? We're hearing intermittent static on your frequency." Miami Center: "Yeah, my husband says he gets intermittent static from me, also." More from our "Didn't we forget something?" file: A Lewisham reader told the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald that one day, while boarding an airline flight aboard a twin-engine Saab, the smiling flight attendant welcomed everyone as usual, then raised the stairs and sealed the door. There was an expectant pause, then the head steward realized someone was missing. The door was opened, the stairs lowered ... and the pilot got on, to a round of applause. Seen on a blackboard in a pilot's ready room: Orville: Call the bike shop; we're in deep trouble. Ma wants her bedsheets back! -- Wilbur More from our "company flight plan" file... I had a nice visit with my parents in Florida and, as usual, I promised to call as soon as I arrived home safely. A mag problem and Wx delays made the trip longer than normal, but I eventually got there and had this exchange: Me: "Indianapolis Approach, N12345, landing Indianapolis with (ATIS)." Indy Approach: "N12345, is there a 'Mark' on board?" Me, sheepishly: "Uhh, yes." Indy Approach: "CALL YOUR MOTHER!" More from our "The mouths of babes" file... An airline pilot was traveling with his young son aboard a company jet. Late into the flight, the son said, "Dad, I can tell we are getting ready to land." The father proudly started thinking, "He must have noticed the attitude of the aircraft changing, or maybe he heard the slats extending and felt the speed brakes rumbling." When he asked his son how he knew that they were about to land, the reply was, "Because all the flight attendants are putting on their high-heeled shoes." More from our "home is where the airplanes are" file... A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. "Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded. "No, sir, but it's not the same thing, is it?" "What do you mean, 'not the same'?" "Well, we don't land airplanes on our roof at home either!" During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. A F-15 was escorting a C-141 into Tel Aviv during the war. The F-15 pilot said, "Bet you wish you could do this!" and moved way out front and did a nice barrel roll for all to see. A little later when the F-15 was back in position behind the C-141, the pilot said, "Bet you wish you could do this!" After several minutes the F-15 pilot finally radioed, "So?" The C-141 pilot replied, "I just went back to the lav and took my morning relief!" The crew was beginning to worry as they waited in the hotel lobby. The crew bus would arrive soon and there was no sign of the new young Flight Attendant, on her first layover. When the Senior F/A called her room to see if she was OK, the somewhat upset reply was "I can't get out of my room!" When asked if the door was stuck, she replied "No, there's no door to get out." She went on to explain "There are three doors. One leads to the closet, another to the bathroom, and the third door has a sign hanging on the knob that says `DO NOT DISTURB'!" David Ross http://home.attbi.com/~damiross/