Re: 50 year old male with no sound coming out of his speakers

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It turns out it was all Alsa's fault for not printing out a warning:

  CAUTION!!! If you don't want to connect to the front audio header,
  pins 5 & 6, 9 & 10 have to be jumpered in order to have signal output
  directed to the rear audio ports. Otherwise, the Line-Out connector on
  the back panel will not function. [MSI MS-6533/G Micro ATX Mainboard]

:-) Well at least something like that could be mentioned in the FAQs.

(Also when it cannot find any card it should say "Check BIOS, Holmes".)

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