unsure how to do this any help appreciated

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To Whom this may Concern,

Basically what im try to do is this.... (please bear with me im a php noob)
require a remote file, if its blank then instead display a comment or another file (which ever is easier)

       Example:
       *_if "http://launcher.worldofwarcraft.com/alert"; contains
       nothing or contains "Not Found" or "404 error", display " Sorry
       no updates at this time or No server notices at this time" or
       include blah.php, otherwise display
       _**_"http://launcher.worldofwarcraft.com/alert"._*


Because the source is remotely updated, the information contained at this address is beyond my control, so i need this to control what is said on my end
I'm not sure how to get this one to work

Any help would be appreciated or a direction to where to find something that will help me,

Pixmyster

Guild Master
Synergy Of Triumphalism
Horde - Spinebreaker - US Realm
World Of Warcraft Guild
Website: www.synergyoftriumphalism.com
Email: pixmyster@xxxxxxxxx

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