How to make binary strings useful?

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Is there an example of the UNIX od utility written
in PHP?  Is such a useful task even possible??
>From what I've seen of strings, they're completely
opaque, so what good does it do to be able to read
binary-safe strings from a file???  Even the deprecated
(why????) $str{$inx} notation apparently results in
another string, because trying to printf it with the
"%02x" format always comes out with "00."  (Maybe
that's why -- it's useless!)  As an experienced C
programmer, I'm finding PHP to be as counter-intuitive
for low-level work as Perl is.  I need to convert binary
dumps of data structures into database table rows, and
MySQL on my server doesn't support queries from C.

I thought about writing a CGI script (in C) that
would generate the hard-coded PHP output for
each instance, but a URL that ends in ".cgi" is
never intercepted by the PHP interpreter.  Worse
yet, the <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="" SRC="">
that works perfectly well with JavaScript is
likewise ignored if the language is PHP!  Finally,
I'm not aware of a Content-type such as "text/php."
What exactly was the purpose of designing yet
another inflexible language?!

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