Hi Peter, Thanks for the review. Please see inline: On 6/25/14, 12:10 AM, "Peter Yee" <peter@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote: >I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on >Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at ><http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq> > >Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments you >may receive. > >Document: draft-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08 >Reviewer: Peter Yee >Review Date: June-24-2014 >IETF LC End Date: June-24-2014 >IESG Telechat date: TBD > >Summary: This draft is basically ready for publication as an Informational >RFC, but has some nits that should be fixed before publication. [Ready >with >nits.] Okay. > >The draft could do with some language cleanup, but otherwise appears fine >for publication. > >Questions: > >Page 8, Section 5.2, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: by "present" do you >mean >the presence of the Type field itself or the presence of a Type field >value? >I believe you mean the latter, in which case you may wish to add "value" >after "Type field". Right, Type value. Will revise. > >Page 11, Section 5.5, diagram: the session ID would seem to run longer >than >32 bits in some cases. For example, I understand a GUTI to be 62 bits (30 >bits of GUMMEI plus 32 bits of M-TMSI). Should the diagram be modified to >reflect the variable length? Fair enough. > >General: > >Replace "WiFi" with "Wi-Fi" throughout the document to align with the >preferred usage of the name as given by the Wi-Fi Alliance. Ok. > >Expand acronyms on first use unless they are blazingly obvious in this >context. Consider citing their references for clarity. > >Replace "a MN" with "an MN" throughout the document. > >Determine if RFC 2119 language is really necessary in this document and >then >use it (or not) consistently. There are SHOULDs and shalls (lower case). > >Leave URLs out of RFC references; they aren't included in the current >reference format. > >Not all the attributes defined in Section 5 are discussed in Section 4. >Is >this expected or desirable? Will add some description in Section 4. Thanks for the thorough review below. It¹s helpful. Will revise, and let you know if I disagree on anything. Regards, -Rajeev > >Nits: > >Page 1, Abstract, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after >"connections". > >Page 2, Introduction, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "the functions" >to >"these functions". > >Page 2, Introduction, 1st paragraph, 5th sentence: change "indicates" to >"requests", unless this 3GPP's terminology for a requesting a new IP >session. > >Page 3, paragraph after the bullet points, 1st sentence: replace "and" >before "EAP-SIM" with a comma. > >Page 3, paragraph after the bullet points, last sentence: append a comma >after "4G". > >Page 3, Section 1.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "it's" to "its". > >Page 3, Section 1.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: change "internet" to >"Internet" unless you really mean lower case "internet". > >Page 3, Section 1.1., 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: insert "a" before >"user". > >Page 3, Section 1.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "attributes" to >"attribute". > >Page 3, Section 1.2, 2nd sentence: replace "Additional" with "additional" >in >both places to match 3GPP usage. > >Page 4, Section 1.3, 1st sentence: replace "it's" with "its". > >Page 4, Section 1.3, 1st sentence: insert "network" between "access" and >"to". > >Page 4, Section 1.3, 2nd sentence: insert "a" before "3GPP". > >Page 4, Section 1.3, 3rd sentence: change "from" to "using" and delete the >subsequent "the". > >Page 4, Section 1.3, last sentence: expand the acronym "RAN". Note that >3GPP and IEEE 802 usage of the acronym differs. > >Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "it's" to "its". > >Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "an" before the >first occurrence of "MN". > >Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before the >second occurrence of "MN" and replace the following "credentials" with >"identity". The credentials are used to prove the identity that was >communicated. > >Page 6, first bullet item, last sentence: insert "the" before "MAG". > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description": a whole host of definite and indefinite >articles is missing. They're simply too numerous for me to what to list >them individually. Review the section and insert articles as appropriate >to >aid readability. > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 1: end the sentence with a period. > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 2: append a period to the sentence. > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 6: replace "it's" with "its". > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 7: replace "it's" with "its". Come >to think of it, just do a global search-and-replace for "it's". > >Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 10: move the comma after "etc." to >before it. > >Page 7, Section 4.1, 1st paragraph: insert "the" before >"AT_VIRTUAL_NETWORK_ID"; insert "the" before "EAP-Response/AKA-Challenge". > >Page 7, Section 4.1, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "the" before >"AT_VIRTUAL_NETWORK_ID"; insert "the" before "EAP-Response/AKA-Challenge". > >Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st paragraph: insert "the" before "MN". > >Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item: eliminate the space before the >colon. > >Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "the" before >"MN". > >Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before >"network". > >Page 7, Section 4.2, 2nd bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "The" before >"MN". > >Page 7, Section 4.3, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: consider replacing "A >Mobile Node" with "An MN". > >Page 7, Section 4.3, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before >"so-called". > >Page 8, Section 5: insert "the" before "first". > >Page 8, Section 5.1, Virtual Network Id definition, 1st sentence: insert >"the" before "MN". > >Page 8, Section 5.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "an" before the >first occurrent of "MN"; insert "the" before the second. > >Page 8, Section 5.2, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert "the" before >"MN's". > >Page 9, Virt-Net-Req Type, 3rd bullet item: insert "the" before >"Connectivity". > >Page 9, Section 5.3: consider moving this section to after Section 5.5 to >mirror the order found in Section 4. > >Page 9, Section 5.3, 1st paragraph: consider changing "A Mobile Node" to >"An >MN". > >Page 10, Section 5.4, diagram: it's not apparent to me why the attribute >length value is equal to 1 plus the session ID length. > >Page 10, Section 5.4, both bullet items: insert "The" or "the" before "MN" >in all cases, as appropriate. > >Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "an" before the >first occurrence of "MN"; insert "a session" before "identity"; insert >"the" >before the second occurrence of "MN". > >Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "The" before >"MN"; >replace "a" with "an" before "E-UTRAN". > >Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert "the" before >"MN". > >Page 11, last paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace "begining" with >"beginning". > >Page 11, last paragraph, last sentence: insert spaces before this sentence >to separate it from the previous one. > >Page 12, Section 6, 1st sentence: insert "the" before "EAP-AKA". Delete >"RFC 4187". The reference should suffice. > >Page 12, Section 6, 2nd sentence: consider noting that some attributes >are >passed from the network to the MN. > >Page 14, EPC reference: delete the semicolon. Delete the superfluous quote >and comma following the date. > >Page 14, GPRS reference: insert a closing quote after "Stage 2". Delete >the >superfluous quote and comma following the date. >