Continuing with comments and edit proposals from "Nits/editorial
comments:" below.
Den 2021-05-06 kl. 05:41, skrev Peter Yee via Datatracker:
Reviewer: Peter Yee
Review result: Ready with Issues
I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. The General Area
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Document: draft-ietf-avtcore-multi-party-rtt-mix-14
Reviewer: Peter Yee
Review Date: 2021-05-05
IETF LC End Date: 2021-05-03
IESG Telechat date: Not scheduled for a telechat
Summary: This draft specifies updates to RFC 4103 to allow real-time text
mixing for both multiparty-aware and multiparty-unaware participants. It has
some minor issues that should be addressed before publication. [Ready with
issues]
Major issues: None
Minor issues:
[GH] Covered in a recent response.
Nits/editorial comments:
General:
Change “multi-party” to “multiparty” throughout the document. While we are a
bit inconsistent about that particular hyphenation within the IETF, all major
dictionaries I sampled spell this as a single, non-hyphenated word.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Append a comma after each instance of “e.g.”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Change “multiparty aware” to “multiparty-aware” throughout the document except
in two cases where you “multiparty awareness”, which should be left alone.
These are located in section 4.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence and section 6.1,
2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Change “fall-back” to “fallback” in a few places in the document. Both uses are
found in the document.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Change “RTP-mixer based” to “RTP-mixer-based” throughout the document.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Change “multiparty capable” to “multiparty-capable” throughout the document.
[GH] I suggest to change to "multiparty-aware" instead for consistency.
Delete periods at the end of section/subsection titles, e.g., section 6.2.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Specific:
Page 1, Abstract, 1st sentence: I’d rewrite it in the active voice as: “This
document provides enhancements for RFC 4103 real-time text mixing suitable for
a centralized conference model that enables source identification and rapidly
interleaved transmission of text from different sources.”
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 1, Abstract, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between
“multiparty” and “coded”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 5, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I think I would change “in” to “at”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 5, 7th paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete “any”. Change “way” to “ways”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 6, section 1.1, 2nd paragraph: insert “are” before “as”.
[GH] Recently changed to just "are defined in" by proposal in another
review. I suggest to keep that.
Page 6, section 1.1, “WebRTC” term: change “web based” to “web-based”. Insert
“real-time” before “communication”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 6, “DTLS-SRTP” term: delete “stands for security”. Insert “is a DTLS
extension for use with SRTP/SRTCP” before “specified”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 6, “multiparty-aware” term: change “stands for” to “describes”. Append a
comma after “real-time” before “separated”. Append a comma after “source”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 6, “multiparty-unaware”: change “stands for” to “describes”.
[GH] Accepted and done.Your use of hyphen in "multiparty-unaware" made
me understand that that term also should be hyphenated all through the
document. Done.
Pages 7 and 8: delete the period after each of the non-indented lines, e.g., at
the end of “Multiple RTP streams, one per participant.”
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 7, 1st block, 4th sentence: change “end to end” to “end-to-end”.
[GH] Accepted and done. Done also in one more location in 3.19 inserted
in version -16.
Page 7, 1st block, 11th sentence: append a comma after “participant”. Delete
the following “and”. Insert “with” before “no”.
[GH] Accepted and done.
Page 7, 1st block, 14th sentence: change “implementation” to “implementations”
and delete “technologies” unless you really want the problem is in regards to
technologies and not particular implementations.
[GH] Accepted and done, it looks better this way even if the problem may
be common in certain implementation technologies.
Page 7, 1st block 15th sentence: change “made” to “led to”. Insert “being”
before “only”.
[GH] Accepted and done. From here all comments are accepted and done as
proposed except where a specific answer is provided.
Page 7, 2nd block, 1st sentence: insert “a” before “shorter”. Insert “the”
before source”. Insert “the” before “CSRC”. Append field after “CSRC”.
Page 7, 2nd block, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before the quoted “text/t140”.
Page 7, 2nd block, 3rd sentence: delete the whole sentence.
Page 7, 2nd block, 6th sentence: move “with” before “receivers”. Insert “having
the” before “default”.
Page 8, 1st partial block, 2nd full sentence: insert “it” before “corresponds”.
Page 8, 1st full block, 6th sentence: change “be varying” to “vary”.
Page 8, 1st full block, 9th sentence: change “while” to “When”.
Page 9, section 1.3, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: change “calltaker” to “call
taker”. Change “observing” to “to observe”.
Page 11, section 2.4, 3rd paragraph: append a comma after “CSRC-list”.
Page 12, section 3.1, 4th paragraph: change “From other aspects” to “In other
regards”.
Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert a hyphen between “10”
and “second”.
Page 13, section 3.4, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: delete “a” before “good”.
Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “SHALL be” before
“sent”. Insert “the” before “end”.
Page 13, section 3.4, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: Append a period at the end
of the sentence.
Page 13, section 3.4, 3rd paragraph: change “in” to “as”.
Page 13, section 3.6: insert a hyphen between “locally” and “produced”. Append
“text” after “produced”.
Page 14, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: delete the comma after “T140blocks”.
Page 14, section 3.10, 1st paragraph after the bullet points, 1st sentence:
insert “the” before “time”.
Page 15, section 3.11, 2nd paragraph: append a comma after “switch”. Change
“poulated” to “populated”.
Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “next”.
Page 15, section 3.12, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “next”.
Page 15, section 3.12, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “number” to “level”.
Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space
after “(“.
Page 16, section 3.14, 1st paragraph, last sentence: insert “self-sourced”
before “data”. Delete “that it is source of itself”.
Page 16, section 3.16, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after
“CNAME”.
Page 17, section 3.17.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “The receiver
SHALL monitor”. Change “The” to “the”. Delete “SHALL be monitored”.
Page 17, section 3.17.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
“case”. Insert “the receiver SHALL create” before “a t140block”. Delete “SHALL
be created”. I’m suggesting but not certain that you might want to change “and
assigned” to “associated with”.
[GH] Accepted and done, but also "accociated" is changed to "associate
it" and "inserted" to "insert it" to match the grammar in the beginning
of the sentence.
Page 17, section 3.17.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “if” to “whether”
if you are amenable to that wording.
Page 18, 2nd paragraph: delete an extraneous blank line before this paragraph.
Page 18, section 3.18, 1st sentence: insert a hyphen between “10” and “second”.
Page 19, section 3.19, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “session”. Insert
“the” before “media”.
Page 19, section 3.19, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “media”. Consider
deleting “security by”.
Page 19, section 3.19, 5th sentence: change “is” to “are”.
Page 20, section 3.21, 4th sentence: append a period after “etc”.
Page 21, 1st partial paragraph, 1st full sentence: insert “a” before “dropped”.
Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 1st sentence: delete an extraneous space after
“(“. Where the word “area” occurs, would that make more sense as “buffer” or
“queue”?
[GH] Accepted and done. "area" changed to "buffer" only for this
occurrance.
Page 21, 1st full paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “initial” before the first
“text”.
Page 22, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “in” to “due to”.
Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert “packets” before “103”. Delete the
comma after “103”.
Page 22, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: there appears to be an adverb missing
before “the”. Perhaps “during”?
[GH] Accepted and done. "during" used.
Page 22, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21040” to “21060”.
Page 22, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: change “needs” to “need”.
Page 22, 4th paragraph, 2nd sentence: change “21150” to “21160”.
Page 23, section 4, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: delete “and”.
Page 23, section 4, 3rd paragraph: consider changing “of” before “the text” to
“conveyed in”.
Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “a” before “replacement”.
Page 24, 1st full paragraph, 4th sentence: change “just” to “the same”.
Page 26, section 4.2, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert a hyphen between
“best” and “effort”.
Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after
“simulated”.
Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 4th sentence: change “is depending” to
“depends”.
Page 26, section 4.2, 4th paragraph, 5th sentence: change “switch” to
“switching”. Append a comma after “can”. Append a comma after “example”.
Page 26, section 4.2.1, 3rd sentence: append a comma after “keep-alive”.
Page 27, 5th bullet point: insert “the” before “next”. Change “if even” to
“even if”. Insert “a” between “for” and “word delimiter”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, 1st paragraph: insert “the” before “UTF-8”. Change
“transform” to “transformation”.
[GH] "Encoding" used instead. It seems commonly used.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “BEL”: change the comma after “session” to a period.
Capitalize “provides”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “NEW LINE”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after
“supported”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “CR LF”, 3rd sentence: insert “the” before “display”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “INT ESC”, 1st sentence: insert “the” before “mode”.
Page 28, section 4.2.4, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “rendition”.
Page 29, 1st partial sentence: insert a hyphen between “256” and “bytes”. Then
change “bytes” to “byte”.
Page 29, “BOM”, 1st sentence: insert “it” before “SHALL”.
[GH] Accepted, but part of the first statement is separated out to a
sentence of its own: " It SHALL be deleted from incoming streams."
Page 29, “Missing text mark”, 1st sentence: change the comma after “apostrophe
‘” to a period. Insert “It” before “marks”. Insert “the” before “place”. Insert
“the” before “stream”.
Page 29, “SGR”, 1st sentence: delete the comma after “(SGR)”. Insert “the”
before “status”.
Page 29, “SGR”, 2nd sentence: change “originated” to “originating”.
Page 29, BS, last sentence: change “not” to “be”.
Page 32, section 6.1, title: drop the “e.g.” in the subsection title.
[GH] Not done. Many countries have their own terms for textphones. In
USA and a few other countries (Canada, Australia) they are called TTY.
That term is not understood in other countries. "Textphone" may not be
understood in USA. Therefore I prefer having both the general term and
the (e.g., TTYs) in the heading.
Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, parenthetical: perhaps you want “i.e.,”
instead of “e.g.” here given that further down you put “TTYS” in another
parenthetical as though it weren’t just an example but the only exemplar of
this type of device under discussion.
[GH] No. I did not mean "i.e.,". "TTY" is just one example with specific
technology.
So, I suggest to keep this sentence: "One case that may occur is a
gateway to PSTN for communication with textphones (e.g., TTYs)." While
in the other places where (TTY) was mentioned it is deleted with its
parenthesis.
Page 32, section 6.1, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: delete “make”. Change
“adaptions” to “adapt”. Delete “for” before “the functional”. Delete “(TTY)”.
[GH] I also needed to insert "to" before "adapt" to make:
"This solution makes it possible to adapt
to the functional limitations of the textphone."
Page 32, section 6.1, 3rd paragraph: delete “(TTYs)”.
Page 33, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “a” before “two-way”.
Page 33, 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert “the” before “NAME”.
Page 33, section 7: insert a hyphen between “multiparty” and “mixing” in this
one instance of that term. Other uses of the term in the document should not be
hyphenated.
Page 34, section 8, 1st paragraph: I like the sound of the sentence better if
you swap “valid” and “also”. That’s just me.
[GH] Accepted so that you will like to read it again.
Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert a space between
“second” and “(“CPS”)”.
Page 34, section 8, 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert “an” before “RTP”.
Regarding “excess”: in excess of what?
Page 35, section 11, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “pack”.
Page 35, section 11, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: append a comma after “CNAME”.
Page 35, section 11, 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: I suggest inserting
“emitting” before “a continuous”. Change the comma after “flow of text” to a
period. Delete the following “or”. Change the rest of that sentence to read
something like: “They may also send text that appears to originate from other
participants.” I rewrote that because the malicious participants don’t
themselves masquerade as text, although that might be a mildly amusing
Halloween costume.
Page 35, section 11, 4th paragraph: delete one of “section” or “Section”. You
capitalize that term interchangeably, so it’s your choice.
Page 35, section 12.1 (when discussing -14 only): change “Cucherawy” to
“Kucherawy” unless we’re talking about someone else. Yeah, I know these will
all be deleted upon publication, but it caught my eye. I have not reviewed the
remainder of the change history entries.
Thanks again for the thorough review. I have next version ready, also
including changed caused by security comments and discussed in other mail.
Do you want me to submit the new version.
Regards
Gunnar
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Gunnar Hellström
GHAccess
gunnar.hellstrom@xxxxxxxxxxx
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