SoaS spin page content: can haz halp?

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I'm struggling with the content for the SoaS page (spin webpage). Here's 
what we've got so far. I think it's better than what it was before, but 
it still feels... not quite there.

https://fedoraproject.org/wiki/Sugar_on_a_Stick#Spins_Page

Goals for the page - as a result of seeing this webpage, viewers should:

* Know what SoaS is
* Know our target audience (so they'll either go "yay, that's me!" and 
try it out / join the community, or go "oh, I know someone like that" 
and tell their friends).
* Want to try SoaS (high viewer --> user conversion rate)
* Know how to become contributors to SoaS (high user --> contributor 
conversion rate)

Halp?

Allegheny SoaS team, I know you've had some good thoughts (and have a 
nice interview with a teacher somewhere), but I haven't seen nor heard 
any of them... where should I be looking?

We are following the instructions at 
https://fedoraproject.org/wiki/Spin_webpage_creation_SOP, and ultimately 
want to end up with a page on http://spins.fedoraproject.org/ similar to 
http://spins.fedoraproject.org/kde (but for SoaS).

--Mel
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